apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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