you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
