So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
