I just threw up on my dentist
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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