im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
