I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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