You can't motorboat a personality
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my shit smells like andre
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
