you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
