Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
