she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
