So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
