Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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