I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize