If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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