I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
