I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
