Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
