I wish I could punch you in the face.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize