And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
foreskin is a definite game changer
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
