Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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