he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
