i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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