It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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