I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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