Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize