he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
