really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize