I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
