peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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