Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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