put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
