Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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