If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
