i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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