Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
