I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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