i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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