my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
