you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
