U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
