Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
