My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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