Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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