she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
