took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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