how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Who wears a wallet chain?!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
