so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
