there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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