Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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