I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
