Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
should my penis look like a turkey
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
