I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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